Feeling betrayed is your own fault

Please read what I have to say and understand why I think that feeling betrayed is because of ourselves. I know this heading may sound obnoxious. However, I don't intend to imply that the guilt lies exclusively with us. I do believe when we feel betrayed that the other person has also done something that has emotionally hurt us.

Friends betray one another. The betrayal of siblings. The betrayal of lovers.

Any relationship can experience betrayal. The emotional stress brought on by the betrayal depends on the strength of the relationship. The betrayal is more intense if it is from a more serious relationship. A salesperson betraying you by lying about the features of a product you are purchasing is one example. Because of the short time you and the salesperson spent together, the effects of this betrayal are minimal. On the other hand, the fallout from a romantic partner betraying you can cause serious internal distress.

The two main roots from our own side that causes betrayal are trust and expectation.

Without trust, betrayal cannot happen. Only individuals you trust have the potential to betray you. The emotional impact of betrayal can range from disappointment in less intense relationships and disgust from the lack of integrity of the person who betrayed you, to fear of losing a close relationship, especially a romantic connection. Trust is fragile. Regaining trust is difficult, if not impossible. When people are betrayed, they often consciously or unconsciously seek revenge. The betrayed person’s world suddenly destabilized, often causing grief, a sense of loss, and depression. Revenge is a form of “justice” or “fairness” that can restore a collapsing world. Revenge destroys not only the target of the revenge but also the person seeking revenge. Revenge hijacks emotional energy that could otherwise be spent recovering from the aftermath of betrayal and seeking new, more stable relationships.

The expectation of others is another root of betrayal. We feel betrayed when someone does something because we did not expect them to do that or perhaps even because we thought they would behave better. Determining that we have realistic expectations of people—or, in some cases, not having any expectations at all and accepting things as they come—is a strategy to overcome emotions of betrayal.

To better illustrate, let's use the example of a work colleague who we may have asked to assist us with our task. If we later find out that they did not do it, we may feel betrayed because we had some amount of trust in them and anticipated that they would assist us when we asked. Therefore, the best way to stop this from happening is to change the expectations we have of people rather than removing our trust.

If we look at this from a biblical example as well, there is the most famous example of Judas's betrayal. When we look at this we can see that Jesus did trust Judas as he was a part of the 12 disciples but he did have a realistic expectation as he knew Judas was going to give him over to the priests. We see as well that even when Judas came with the soldiers Jesus still greeted him kindly "friend, do what you have come to do", there was sorrow but not anger towards Judas as he knew what to expect.

The betrayed individual will construct an emotional barrier to keep people away in order to avoid being hurt once more. Relationships that get too intense are frequently sabotaged by people hiding behind emotional walls in an effort to prevent potential future betrayals. People who are emotionally walled off frequently feel alone and isolated. The pain of isolation and loneliness is more bearable that the pain of betrayal. Loneliness and betrayal normally change into victimhood, which offers some emotional comfort. The issue with hiding behind an emotional wall is that the person who is guarded frequently faces a problem. They want to have close, intimate relationships with other people, but they are hesitant to start new ones out of concern that they might experience yet another emotional blow. Although emotional walls offer protection, they keep the person from discovering the actual satisfaction that comes from deep connections with other people. Human relationships all contain the possibility of betrayal. This cannot be avoided. Avoiding intimate relationships is not the solution.

Failures in the past act as guides for behaviour in the future. People eventually figure out what works and what doesn't work for them through trial and error. Betrayal is a necessary part of learning. People cross busy streets every day, knowing they could get hit by a car and suffer devastating injuries and even death. People get into automobiles without giving a second thought to the possibility of getting into an accident. People board aeroplanes every day, accepting the possibility a plane could suddenly fall from the sky. People engage in risky behaviours because the benefit of the activities far outweighs the possibility of catastrophic failure. Accepting the possibility of betrayal in personal relationships is just another risk on the long list of risky behaviours people undertake every day. You cannot escape the hurt caused by betrayal. Nevertheless, the pain of betrayal is frequently lessened if the emotional repercussions are known in advance. The emotional impact of betrayals is lessened by acknowledging that they are a common occurrence in life.

If there is a benefit to betrayal, it is that without experiencing true sadness, true happiness has no meaning.